Well, it's just about time for a new post I think. I thought long and hard about what to write today and then I remembered something I had in my email inbox. It was a letter written by my boyfriend back in March. I remember I had asked him to write sometihng for my blog, so he did and he sent it to me. At that time I didn't know if I should post it, so I decided to sit on it and wait. Well, I think the time is right to share what he wrote with everyone who reads my blog.
February 22, 2006This day in February was just like any other. Going through the grind of school and other activities but with one thing on the mind. Getting done so I could get online, and talk to one of my greatest friends, Sarah. The day went really well, and we enjoyed like always, spending time with each other, cracking jokes, and deliberating on serious topics. But that night, after Sarah got off, something was different. I felt cold and empty. My cousin, whom we’ll call Charlie, got on MSN almost immediately after Sarah got off. I was perusing one of my favorite spots on the Internet, The Fuselage. I got this strange inclination, or a feeling; something I can’t really describe very well, but I knew I should talk to Charlie. I didn’t know what about, but I knew that answer would probably come when we were talking. I knew I wasn’t feeling great inside, but I didn’t know why. My computer was acting funny; something of which I’ve come to get use to, and Charlie knew something was bothering me. He offered to call and I said that would be fine. He called my cell phone and immediately some unknown emotion hit me, like a freight train hitting my chest at two hundred miles an hour. I got choked up and I was scared. My heart was racing and my mind wandering from thought-to-thought every three seconds. I had the attention span of a goldfish. Charlie recognized some of the things I was feeling from personal experience. He asked me if I called him to share something and I said I knew there was something but I couldn’t place my finger on it. Knowing that I can normally open up pretty well with him, he thought he should bring up an idea that came to mind. He asked me if I was falling for Sarah. I immediately told him no, and then something quite scary happened. I felt a huge pain in my heart, like a stake being driven in. I didn’t know what to think of that so I immediately responded with a “maybe, well I don’t know.” We continued talking about this and I did indeed come to this conclusion that I really liked Sarah, more than a friend. I was so scared and confused because I thought it was so ridiculous that one would be able to meet someone on the Internet, and be so emotionally involved. If it weren’t for Charlie going through a similar (ironically enough) experience, a good half-year before, I would have been even more upset. I was feeling sorry for myself, almost chastising and rebuking myself for letting something so silly happen to me. You see, I am a person of control. I like to be in control of most things, and I am relatively good at controlling my emotions. When this sudden eruption of confusion and mixed emotions occurred, it troubled me deeply. I thought, “why would God allow this to happen, when she lives so far away?” Things were not making sense, and I wanted answers right away. Charlie convinced me that I needed to share with Sarah how I was feeling, because of how it was affecting me physically, and that he had an inkling she might feel the same way. This scared me more, because I knew Sarah had gone through some things in the past, and I did not want her to get hurt again. I wrestled with God that night, and many nights to come… but back to that later.
February 23, 2006 I woke up that morning feeling relatively better. I believed the previous night’s emotions to be the result of lack of sleep, or some unexplained phenomena that happened at the right place, the right time. But as I began to start my normal routine again, I started feeling physically sick again. I lay down for a few hours on my bed, trying to get some rest, thinking that was the source of my problem. I got up a few hours later and got on the Internet, to distract my mind. I don’t really remember much of what happened during those few hours before Sarah got on… but I know they didn’t go very fast. I began talking with Sarah and she noticed I was being very quiet. Not being oblivious, she knew something was troubling me. I told her I wasn’t feeling well and she figured I had a bit of the flu. I knew deep down that wasn’t the case but I didn’t say otherwise, for fear of the true reason coming up. It was after a while that I felt very compelled to tell Sarah how I was feeling. It was like one of those dilemmas where you didn’t want to say anything, but yet deep down you know you did. After much beating around the bush, it caught fire. I broke down and began to tell Sarah, bit by ever-slow bit of what I was feeling. I even portrayed how I felt sorry for myself that this was happening and that I didn’t want to accept this. Now that I look back on it, I believe this was my own personal way of protecting myself. Setting up a barrier, so that if I found that my feelings weren’t mutual, I could go back to knowing that this was some crazed thought in my head, not a true feeling. I must have really confused the poor girl because she thought I was upset that it was her that I liked, but it was quite the contrary… if anyone, I would have had it been her. My only thought was that she lived too far away to make anything of a committed relationship work. Slowly we worked our way through, and I found she had been dealing with the same feelings for about a week’s time. We were both very wary though because we knew the obstacles were everywhere. That next week or two, I wrestled with God every night on whether this was Him or just me. I prayed and prayed for answers and I kept getting one, but not the one I wanted to hear. He told me to have patience, that everything would be fine.
March 20, 2006I’m thankful now for God’s perfect time because you see, today Sarah and I have come to the realization that this was all part of God’s perfect plan for us. Our passions and goals in life are the same. We have similar struggles, and problems. We’ve overcome very similar things in our pasts and talking about them with each other has kept us on the mark. We build each other up as people, in our character, and relationship to God. I’m a firm believer that coincidences don’t happen every day, especially hundreds all at once. I’m very much looking forward to the day where I can spend the rest of my life with Sarah, doing God’s work in the heart of Africa. God is teaching us patience, but it will all be worth it in the end.
Romans 8:28
Daniel Stuckey
Present Day, August 31, 2006Danny is currently attending Florida Free Bible Missionary Work College in Florida. He's working on his two year diploma and afterwards is looking to enter missions work full time. Good match for me, eh? After all, if you remember a previous posts
here and
here, then you recall my desire to find a Godly man who not only wants to be a missionary in Africa, but also will encourage me in my walk with God. Well, ladies and gents, it appears I've found him. And you know what? I couldn't be happier.
