During the past few days, I have been contemplating something very serious. For quite a few months I was so sure that God was calling me to South America and not back to Africa. I had heard about an organization called SIM (Service in Missions) whose focus was medical missions. I thought, you know, as a nurse, this could be really useful to me. Maybe this is where I'm supposed to go. I mean...it's medical. That's gotta mean something right?

But for the past few weeks I've been frustrated. You see, I had thought I was being called to Ecuador, but things do not seem to be working out very well. I'm a big believer that if God has called you to a specific place, then He will open the way for you to go to that place. It just seems like the doors aren't opening. So I've started to look around at some different organizations.

I was chatting with my good friend, Danny, who is involved with Teen Mission International. So I thought, what the heck. I might as well check out the website. From there I followed a link to AIDS orphans. I felt pulled in that direction. Then it seemed that God was reminding me of something, but I couldn't remember what. So I went and re-read my journal from Tanzania. Here is what I wrote May 21, 2005:

Today Ashley, Sabrina, Maggie, Catherine, Laurel, and myself visited the orphanage on the compound. I am heartbroken. The overwhelming feeling of sadness and anger I have is undeniable and unbelievable. So many babies and children that are starving for love, but there is not enough people there to give it to them. We spent a few hours with the children, playing with, feeding, and bathing them. My heart had a piece torn out from it. How can I ever go back to being the same person after spending just 3 hours with these prcious little ones?....But I know. I know now. God was/is preparing me on this trip. At first, before I came, I wondered how that could be. How can this trip prepare me? I am going to be a missionary nurse but there is nothing "nurse-like" about it. But I know God wanted me to see this. The overwhelming desire I have to take one of those children home with me was incredible. The only tihng that stopped me was that I could not care for a child at this point in my life. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will be back. Maybe not to this orphanage, but to an orphanage in Africa.....one thing I do know is that my future husband must not only have a heart for missions, but also for orphans.

So there is is. That's all I have to say right now.

So I took this personality test online. The first time I took it, it told me I had a high Histrionic Disorder. Now I have a moderate histrionic and moderate narcissistic disorder. Hmmm....interesting.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Disorder:	Low
Antisocial Disorder:	Low
Borderline Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Disorder:	Moderate
Narcissistic Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Disorder:	Low
Dependent Disorder:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

So I just realized something....

I graduate in about 5 weeks. So I will no longer be a nursing student. Is it possible to rename my blog?

God Bless the Broken Road

So alot of my friends razz me for my questionable taste in music(shout-out to Danny!). I will be the first to admit it, I enjoy a good country song. There's nothing wrong with it. However, there is one song that I have been listening to a lot recently which could be classified as the song for my life. It's a song by Rascal Flatts called "God Bless the Broken Road". This is how it goes:

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I look back at my life and I see the mistakes I've made and the bad choices I've made. But I have realized that it has made me into who I am today. God has used everything in my life to shape and mold me into the woman He wants me to be. So when I finally do meet the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, I will be able to look back and see how God has used the broken road to bring me to him.

It's not a deep or profound "thought of the day", but since I'm faced with the dating world (which is quite intimidating), it's something that's been on my mind a lot and I just wanted to share.

Good vs Evil

So as I'm sure you've gathered, my favorite TV show is Lost. I mentioned in my previous post that I enjoy the character development that occurs. But there is something very interesting I have noticed lately about the show that fascinates me.

In the beginning, they were the good guys. The main characters, I mean. They were good. Someone (Ethan) infiltrated their camp and kidnapped the pregnant girl (Claire). He was bad. So just like in every other show on TV, you have your good guys and your bad guys. Your good vs. evil.

But lately I've noticed that the good guys aren't so good anymore, and maybe the bad guys aren't as bad as we think.

Ok, so generally speaking the good guys aren't completely evil. But in last weeks episode, Sayid tortured a guy for information. It doesn't exactly draw feelings of roses and cute fluffy bunnies. In fact, every week it seems the lines between good and evil, black and white, are being blurred into a murky shade of gray.

Of course, there are those of you out there who don't watch the show and have no idea what I'm talking about. Let me sum up for you: the moral of today's story is that in this world, there's not always a clear cut line between what is right and wrong, good and evil. Sometimes you have to search. But if you look hard enough, you do eventually find that point. The point where you go from doing what is morally right, to doing what is wrong for the right reasons.

So this is my first post in months and months. First off....my apoligies. School has been crazy busy. Insane even. But now I only have 5 weeks left, I'm on my break week, and I actually have a bit of time.

I guess that means it's time for an update on my life. Life has been good to me. My sister had a baby back in September. This is my first neice. I don't have any other neices or nephews to spoil (yet!), so it's been fun!

I'm also getting ready to write my CRNE in June. For those that don't know, the CRNE is the Canadian Registered Nursing Exam. It's what I need to write before I can become a nurse.

I've also started looking into doing some fulltime missionary work when I graduate. Right now, I'm looking into working with SIM (Service in Missions). It's a passion of mine and I'm so excited to eventually be able to do that.

So usually I fill this space up with rants. I enjoy writing about things that bother me, and had I written a few months ago, it would have been about the election. But that is so old now....so last month! So I need something new to write about.

LOST!!!
This is one of the most addicting shows on TV right now. It is the perfect blend of suspense and drama and it's pissing me off. Why? Quite simply because I haven't found out anything new but I am still compelled to watch it every week regardless of whether or not it's a new episode or a repeat. Every episode gives me new questions. Questions that need answering! And yet...even though I am an inherently curious person and hate it when people don't tell it to me straight, I still watch.

Every week.

In fact, I have my family trained to not talk to me Wednesday nights from 2100-2200.

Let's explore last week's episode. It centered around Sayid, a former Iraqi soldier during Desert Storm, who was recruited by the CIA to do some work. He has a tortured past. He was searching for his childhood love before he crashed on the island. He fell in love while on the island, only to have that love heartlessly murdered by a cold-blooded cop. He helplessly watched as she died in his arms, and he was powerless to do anything about it.

You get the picture....he's a fairly complex character. In fact, he is one of my favorites simply for his depth and characterization. During this weeks episode, we got to see more of his backstory and what makes him tick. But even better, we saw his dark side emerge. The side of him that tortured insurgents during the war. The side he thought was buried. It was compelling and interesting. I was captivated by my TV screen, and it was just because the actor is hot. It was because I have become invested in these characters.

I won't go into details as to what the episode was actually about. I don't want to ruin it for those of you who haven't seen it. But suffice it to say...the reason I love the show is for the multi-faceted characters.

And yet...I walked away from the episode with more questions then answers. I walked away with a sense that I have been tricked yet again. I was given the promise that answers would be given. I was duped into believing that the wait was worth it. I would finally know something. But all I got was more hints. More questions.

But what ticks me off is that I love every second of it! And I can't wait until the next new episode!

Until next time!