No Compromise
My story is one I have a lot of difficulty sharing with people. I have done some stuff that I am not proud of. And like everything, actions have consequences. Actions, the things you do, have the ability to leave permanent emotional scars that you can hide, but never really get rid of.
I suppose the place to start is when I became a Christian when I was ten years old. I was scared into it, I guess. I didn't want to go to Hell, so it seemed like becoming a Christian was a good idea. I had no real comprehension of the Christian lifestyle and thought I could get by living the good life, doing what was right, but not really making any attitude changes.
When I was 15 years old, I found a copy of a book called Living Sacrifice by a woman named Helen Roseveare. Ms. Roseveare was a missionary surgeon in the Congo in the 60s. She has a very powerful story and God used her story to call me into nursing. You see, as I was reading, I didn't read that she was a surgeon. God had me read that she was a nurse. He used that to call me into missionary nursing. It was only a few years later, as I reread her story, that I realized she has been a doctor, not a nurse.
One portion in the book really stood out to me. If I am to be brutally honest with myself, it scared the crap out of me.
It was a very dark night. I felt unutterably alone. For a brief moment, I felt God had failed me. He could have stepped in and prevented this rising crescendo of wickedness and cruelty. He could have saved me out of their hands. Why didn't He speak? Why didn't He intervene? And in desperation, I almost cried out to Him: "It is too much to pay!"
Yet His love for me cost Him His life. He gave Himself, in that one all-sufficient atoning sacrifice at Calvary. He so loved that He gave all. His sacrifice was the expression of His great love....In the darkness and loneliness, He met with me....And He breathed a word into my troubled mind: privelege.
"These are not your sufferings: they are not beating you. These are My sufferings: all I ask of you is a loan of your body."...
Now this night, the Almighty had stooped to ask of me something He condescended to appear to need, and He offered me the privelege of responding...He offered me the inestimable privelege of sharing with Him in some little measure at least, in the edge of the fellowship of His sufferings. And it was all privelege.
When I read that, God stooped to ask me to suffer and give my life for His purpose. He gave me the privelege of responding to a calling so much higher or greater then I could ever imagine. I knew in that instant, without any shadow of a doubt, that God wanted me to give up my personal dreams and ambitions to become a nurse and go into an area of the world where there is suffering and pain and where no one else wants to go. He wanted me to work for Him in a continent that so desparately needs Him.
And He was giving me the privelege of doing this.
It was scary. And I did not want to do it. At all.
Eventually I came around and entered nursing school. I had been persuaded that nursing was a lucrative career and if I played my cards right, I could make a lot of money and become very well off. However, now in university, I had a newfound freedom that I was completely unused to. I rebelled against God and my parents. I forgot that to which I had been called. I became enamoured with the secular lifestyle. I realized that by acting a certain way around guys I could get what I wanted. I very quickly became drawn into the type of thinking that says "It's ok to have a pleasurable lifestyle. As long as you don't hurt anyone, you're fine".
The beginning of my second year, I met a guy. He was charming and good looking. He knew exactly what to say. And I fell for it hard. After knowing him less then a month, I gave him my virginity. I was dating him behind my parent's back so I was also lying and skipping classes to see him. Eventually my parents found out. We had such a big fight. I can remember thinking that I was old enough to make my own decisions and since this was something I wanted, I should get it.
The next day was a Friday and I was literally dragged out to a Campus Crusade meeting. While there, Ian Perry read a portion of scripture that changed my life. He read Micah 7:18-19. It says:
Who is a God like thee, pardoning iniquity and passing over transgression for the remnant of his inheritance? He does not retain his anger for ever because he delights in steadfast love. He will again have compassion upon us, he will tread our iniquities under foot. Thou wilt cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.
That portion of scripture had such a profound effect on me. I ran into the bathroom of TSH and cried for God to forgive me. It was the first time in my life I have ever truly repented. I felt so much peace at that moment. October 24, 2003.
But that wasn't the end of my struggle. Like I said earlier, actions have consequences. One of the consequences was that when I slept with this guy, I hadn't used any protection. So I went through a waiting game for about two weeks. I was terrified I could be pregnant and what would I do then? Now, thankfully I was not. But it was a terrifying point of my life. It's hard to describe to someone who has never gone through that kind of waiting exactly what it feels like. But when you realize there is that possibility, it's as though you've just gone off a high rollercoaster. You're at the bottom, but you're stomach is still up at the top.
Knowing you're forgiven in your head is one thing, but knowing it in your heart is a completely different matter. It took me over a year to work through the guilt and the shame of this action. There were days that I would wake up and feel completely worthless and wonder why I couldn't seem to get over it. I mean, I was forgiven, right? It became extremely difficult for me when my sister's starting dating people. First Ruth and Anton, the Hannah and Herman, and then Naomi and Ben. It was like some kind of joke. I began to wonder if I would ever find someone. And if I did, what would he think when he found out what I had done? I began to feel impure and unholy. As though I was some sort of pariah. I became very depressed and felt as though I had to work at it. I became more flirtatious and started to look for potential guys.
Then I got hit over the head with a blinding realization about myself and guys. You can read it here:
http://nursesarah.blogspot.com/2005/03/i-came-to-blinding-realization-about.html
Anyways, this weekend I went to Camp Edgewood with Campus Crusade. It made me think long and hard about my calling and compromise. I don't want to compromise anymore. I was able to talk to my good friend, Ruth, and she put a lot into perspective. I have started new and fresh. I am not who I was two years ago. I have a calling to go to Africa and work as a nurse. This is not something I can compromise on. Whatever guy God has for me will have that same calling and I just have to trust that God will let me know who he is in the right time.
God is truly an awesome and powerful Saviour. He can take the roughest life and turn it and use it for His glory. He can even take the worst mistakes and use them for good.
I also came to realize that sometimes sharing who you really are with someone is a good thing. I don't like opening up. It makes me vulnerable. It makes me feel exposed and I don't know what other people will think. But sometimes the old adage is true, confession really is good for the soul.
So the next step is to actually post this and advertise it on my MSN for anyone who is interested to read. That's a big step because I don't know who will read it. If you have read this far, thank you. Please feel free to comment.
My story is one I have a lot of difficulty sharing with people. I have done some stuff that I am not proud of. And like everything, actions have consequences. Actions, the things you do, have the ability to leave permanent emotional scars that you can hide, but never really get rid of.
I suppose the place to start is when I became a Christian when I was ten years old. I was scared into it, I guess. I didn't want to go to Hell, so it seemed like becoming a Christian was a good idea. I had no real comprehension of the Christian lifestyle and thought I could get by living the good life, doing what was right, but not really making any attitude changes.
When I was 15 years old, I found a copy of a book called Living Sacrifice by a woman named Helen Roseveare. Ms. Roseveare was a missionary surgeon in the Congo in the 60s. She has a very powerful story and God used her story to call me into nursing. You see, as I was reading, I didn't read that she was a surgeon. God had me read that she was a nurse. He used that to call me into missionary nursing. It was only a few years later, as I reread her story, that I realized she has been a doctor, not a nurse.
One portion in the book really stood out to me. If I am to be brutally honest with myself, it scared the crap out of me.
It was a very dark night. I felt unutterably alone. For a brief moment, I felt God had failed me. He could have stepped in and prevented this rising crescendo of wickedness and cruelty. He could have saved me out of their hands. Why didn't He speak? Why didn't He intervene? And in desperation, I almost cried out to Him: "It is too much to pay!"
Yet His love for me cost Him His life. He gave Himself, in that one all-sufficient atoning sacrifice at Calvary. He so loved that He gave all. His sacrifice was the expression of His great love....In the darkness and loneliness, He met with me....And He breathed a word into my troubled mind: privelege.
"These are not your sufferings: they are not beating you. These are My sufferings: all I ask of you is a loan of your body."...
Now this night, the Almighty had stooped to ask of me something He condescended to appear to need, and He offered me the privelege of responding...He offered me the inestimable privelege of sharing with Him in some little measure at least, in the edge of the fellowship of His sufferings. And it was all privelege.
When I read that, God stooped to ask me to suffer and give my life for His purpose. He gave me the privelege of responding to a calling so much higher or greater then I could ever imagine. I knew in that instant, without any shadow of a doubt, that God wanted me to give up my personal dreams and ambitions to become a nurse and go into an area of the world where there is suffering and pain and where no one else wants to go. He wanted me to work for Him in a continent that so desparately needs Him.
And He was giving me the privelege of doing this.
It was scary. And I did not want to do it. At all.
Eventually I came around and entered nursing school. I had been persuaded that nursing was a lucrative career and if I played my cards right, I could make a lot of money and become very well off. However, now in university, I had a newfound freedom that I was completely unused to. I rebelled against God and my parents. I forgot that to which I had been called. I became enamoured with the secular lifestyle. I realized that by acting a certain way around guys I could get what I wanted. I very quickly became drawn into the type of thinking that says "It's ok to have a pleasurable lifestyle. As long as you don't hurt anyone, you're fine".
The beginning of my second year, I met a guy. He was charming and good looking. He knew exactly what to say. And I fell for it hard. After knowing him less then a month, I gave him my virginity. I was dating him behind my parent's back so I was also lying and skipping classes to see him. Eventually my parents found out. We had such a big fight. I can remember thinking that I was old enough to make my own decisions and since this was something I wanted, I should get it.
The next day was a Friday and I was literally dragged out to a Campus Crusade meeting. While there, Ian Perry read a portion of scripture that changed my life. He read Micah 7:18-19. It says:
Who is a God like thee, pardoning iniquity and passing over transgression for the remnant of his inheritance? He does not retain his anger for ever because he delights in steadfast love. He will again have compassion upon us, he will tread our iniquities under foot. Thou wilt cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.
That portion of scripture had such a profound effect on me. I ran into the bathroom of TSH and cried for God to forgive me. It was the first time in my life I have ever truly repented. I felt so much peace at that moment. October 24, 2003.
But that wasn't the end of my struggle. Like I said earlier, actions have consequences. One of the consequences was that when I slept with this guy, I hadn't used any protection. So I went through a waiting game for about two weeks. I was terrified I could be pregnant and what would I do then? Now, thankfully I was not. But it was a terrifying point of my life. It's hard to describe to someone who has never gone through that kind of waiting exactly what it feels like. But when you realize there is that possibility, it's as though you've just gone off a high rollercoaster. You're at the bottom, but you're stomach is still up at the top.
Knowing you're forgiven in your head is one thing, but knowing it in your heart is a completely different matter. It took me over a year to work through the guilt and the shame of this action. There were days that I would wake up and feel completely worthless and wonder why I couldn't seem to get over it. I mean, I was forgiven, right? It became extremely difficult for me when my sister's starting dating people. First Ruth and Anton, the Hannah and Herman, and then Naomi and Ben. It was like some kind of joke. I began to wonder if I would ever find someone. And if I did, what would he think when he found out what I had done? I began to feel impure and unholy. As though I was some sort of pariah. I became very depressed and felt as though I had to work at it. I became more flirtatious and started to look for potential guys.
Then I got hit over the head with a blinding realization about myself and guys. You can read it here:
http://nursesarah.blogspot.com/2005/03/i-came-to-blinding-realization-about.html
Anyways, this weekend I went to Camp Edgewood with Campus Crusade. It made me think long and hard about my calling and compromise. I don't want to compromise anymore. I was able to talk to my good friend, Ruth, and she put a lot into perspective. I have started new and fresh. I am not who I was two years ago. I have a calling to go to Africa and work as a nurse. This is not something I can compromise on. Whatever guy God has for me will have that same calling and I just have to trust that God will let me know who he is in the right time.
God is truly an awesome and powerful Saviour. He can take the roughest life and turn it and use it for His glory. He can even take the worst mistakes and use them for good.
I also came to realize that sometimes sharing who you really are with someone is a good thing. I don't like opening up. It makes me vulnerable. It makes me feel exposed and I don't know what other people will think. But sometimes the old adage is true, confession really is good for the soul.
So the next step is to actually post this and advertise it on my MSN for anyone who is interested to read. That's a big step because I don't know who will read it. If you have read this far, thank you. Please feel free to comment.
posted by the Cynical student @ 6:34 PM
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